Fighting the blues, or the blahs, or whatever. I don't know why. I keep feeling like I KNOW I should be happy or more cheerful than this. Things at school are ok. Things are ok with my dad - pretty much status quo. No big ups or downs. Things at home are ok. Nothing exciting.
I'm losing weight. That's good. My roomie at school is ok this year. Complains a bit, we don't see eye to eye on many things, but in general, much happier than last year. My chickens are well, my dogs are well, my cats are well. My house is a mess, and my carpets are dirty, but whatever. I don't even care, as long as no one stops by.
The weather has been dreary for days on end, but it's not freezing cold, it's not horribly hot, it's just "eh" sort of weather. I've had a bad cold, which has had me hacking up a lung for two weeks, but it hasn't turned into pneumonia, and doesn't appear that it is going to this time. That's good, right? I'm tired from fighting it, tired from coughing so much and so hard, tired from still having to get up two or three times a night with one of my dogs. Yeah, I could use a lot more and better sleep, but I'm kinda used to this, so that isn't really it. What IS it?
My brother just returned from a week-long fishing trip to Alaska. To Homer, as a matter of fact. One of my favorite places in Alaska. I'm jealous that he got to go, and I spent the week looking at my old pictures of Homer, wishing I could be there too. But, then, I ALWAYS want to go to Alaska. Or Georgia. Or Colorado. Or Montana, or Idaho, or Wyoming. Or Sweden, or ... or, anywhere that isn't here. I was even a little TINY bit excited to go to Cleveland, Ohio for three days this summer. I LOVE to travel. I need travel like I need my books. But travel costs lots and lots of money, and there isn't ANY of that, so I know I won't be traveling ANYwhere for a very long time. Is that it? I don't think so. Although I do think it might be a tiny part of it. Planning for travel, looking forward to it - that's exciting. I have nothing to look forward to right now. Except worrying about paying for two tuitions again this year, and all the financial stress that will bring. That's a fun thing to look forward to . And Christmas. That's coming. Another stressful, rather than an anticipated, time for me. But it's not stress I'm feeling. It's nothing. Nothing at all is what I'm feeling.
Blah. I just feel totally BLAH. I want something exciting to happen. I don't even care what it is. I know, I know. People say be careful what you wish for. Wishing for "something" to happen, ANYTHING out of the ordinary, to happen. Preferably something good, but hey... anything to break this stasis of mood I'm in.
I'm in a funk, and I don't like it. I want out.
It doesn't help that I know it is my responsibilty to pull myself out of it, and yet, I don't even feel like doing so. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. Maybe we'll have a freak snowstorm in early October. Or a hurricane. Or maybe an electrical breaker will blow down overnight, taking out all the power, and school will have to be cancelled and I will get to spend a few hours sleeping off this funk.
Maybe. But probably not.