Now, this girl of mine who went with me is "girly-girly." Both my girls are. (Why, Lord, why?) Spends an hour on her hair every morning, chooses her outfit the night before school every day by trying on ten, would not be caught dead without makeup. Pretty much everything I am not. So, the routine before the demo yesterday for clothes, hair, nails, etc. is the same. She came downstairs with her hair CURLED even. She is a very pretty girl, and looked exceptionally nice yesterday. (I think that MIGHT have had something to do with their plans to run over to the school, which is next door to the firehall/demo, for a soccer game where our school DID happen to be playing their school - but, I've never really seen her NOT look nice, so, I won't judge, here...)
First thing, as we get to the demo and sit down, and she looks around, she says, in a whisper to me, "Uh, I don't really fit IN here..." I almost choked. Yeah, ya think, baby girl? So,,, besides teaching them all the "rules" of demo-ing that I've learned over the summer, here are the OTHER things the girls learned yesterday about the people from this strange, strange town:
You might be from Town XXX , if...
- you don't believe in dental care, and it wouldn't matter if you did, because you don't have more than three teeth in your head anyway
- you chain smoke, on welfare, at ten dollars a pack, even while pregnant
- you do not weigh LESS than 350 pounds
- you feed your children Cheesies and generic brand pop all day, even in their bottles
- you bring ALL of your children with you to the derby, which by the way, lasted nearly 9 hours, and you never once get up off the bleachers to watch them, or offer them a change of scenery
- the newborn? Oh yeah, he comes along too. (Did you know demos are SO LOUD that many "seasoned" veterans of the bleacher crew bring their own soundproof earphones?) Yeah, it's ok. If he's sleeping through it, it must not be bothering HIS ears. And if he's crying, well it must be because he needs more of that Grape Soda in his bottle
- I am not making ANY of this up - I swear to god...
- You raise your children by SCREAMING at them (remember, don't get up; don't wonder whether they might just possibly be slightly BORED by sitting on the bleachers for 9 hours at a basically adult-type activity or employ any of those other semi-intelligent parenting skills...)
- oh, when you SCREAM at your child to get back up on the bleachers, you insert the "F" word into your sentence at LEAST three times, as in, "Get your F-ing A** back up here on the F-ing bleachers before I f-ing come down there and BEAT your f-ing a**. (Child is NOT bright, but does know, of course, that you, mom, or aunt, or grandma, or big sister with the baby - big is relative; the average age there with newborns SERIOUSLY looked to be about 15 - is NOT going to get up off YOUR 350 pound a** to come beat yours. She will just continue to YELL at you for another 6 or 7 hours, because there, in that town, apparently that is how EVERYONE raises their children.
- three women to my left had 5:00 shadow, and needed a good shave (I am NOT lying - ask my daughter)
- "sumbitch" is a word they know well, although any other grammatically correct item out of their mouths was either not to be, or too hard to understand when their bottom lip caves in on their gums...,
- bras have yet to be discovered there by the women-folk, but hickeys stand out clearly on their necks, so must be their men don't mind
- razors, for men, is apparently a newfangled invention which has ALSO not a popular item there
HAIRY WOMEN OF KLIPNOCKY BEAUTY CONTESTSUNDAY SEPTEMBER 19, 20101 P.M.OK, so you’re asking yourself…just what exactly is a Hairy Woman??? Well, the answer is a little vague. The Hairy Women of Klipnocky is a local legend about a family of sisters who tragically lost their parents and were left to raise themselves in the hills of Klipnocky. (Yes, it’s really a place.) Of course, living in the hills of the KlipnockyState Forest they probably became wild and hairy, right? How else would they keep warm and survive? Depending on who you talk to about the Hairy Women, you will get several different versions of this legend. Each one is sure to entertain you and each one gets crazier than the last. So from this legend came the idea of a beauty contest. What started as a fun idea for the festival has turned into a great crowd pleaser with huge cash prizes!!! Here’s how it works. Participants dress themselves as their idea of a Hairy Woman. They are interviewed by the self appointed “Mayor” of Klipnocky and answer a few questions from our questionnaire. Finally, they are asked to show off their talent. Judging is done by local “Mayors” and results are tallied by the Festival Staff. There are two age groups: Students and Adults. Prizes are given in both categories. There is no cost to enter.So, are you Hairy Woman material? Do you have what it takes to bring homethe big prize and the bragging rights for the next year? Go ahead and join us. Disguise yourself and your voice and be whatever Hairy Woman character you’d like!!! Or let everyone know who you are and have a ball! The possibilities are endless. Don’t forget you’ll be asked to show your talent. In the past this has included dancing, armpit hair braiding, booger flinging (I know, gross. It was slime.), amazing pet tricks, singing and many, many more wild and crazy things. Rise to the challenge and see ifyou (or you and your friends) can defeat the reigning “beauty”! Come to the Festival Staff Tent to get your questionnaire and be entered into the contest. Oh, and one more thing, please remember this is a family show and keep it clean!!!
Still think I'm kidding about the education my daughter and her friend got yesterday?