Sunday, September 19, 2010

I Sat BESIDE "The Hairy Women of Klipnocky " at the Demo yesterday - for real

     Another demo yesterday. My 15 year old daughter and her friend decided to go with me.  This demo is held in a town that is, well, ...  hard to describe without sounding very condescending. "Backwards" would be sort of nice, but not entirely accurate.  You  have to know something about small, rural counties In New York State (perhaps also in other states as well; no expert there)  in order to really "get" the full picture. About the most APT description I could give is that it is VERY economically deprived, and it's residents show that.  I'm not sure there is ANY employer in the "town" except the school, a gas station, and a very, very small "grocery" store which, last I knew, really only stocked canned goods.  It is almost as though people there seemed to have just climbed out from under a rock.  It's in the far, far Northeast corner of our county, so far away that kids from the school there do not even attend our BOCES - they go to a neighboring county's because it is closer. We do play them in sports, occasionally, but I think that is only because it is tough to find enough schools as small as ours in our league.  In general, our paths seldom cross, and that's probably for the best. 
     Now, this girl of mine who went with me is "girly-girly."  Both my girls are. (Why, Lord, why?)  Spends an hour on her hair every morning, chooses her outfit the night before school every day by trying on ten, would not be caught dead without makeup. Pretty much everything I am not.  So, the routine before the demo yesterday for clothes, hair, nails, etc. is the same. She came downstairs with her hair CURLED even. She is a very pretty girl, and  looked exceptionally nice yesterday. (I think that MIGHT have had something to do with their plans to run over to the school, which is next door to the firehall/demo, for a soccer game where our school DID happen to be playing their school - but, I've never really seen her NOT look nice, so, I won't judge, here...)
     First thing, as we get to the demo and sit down, and she looks around, she says, in a whisper to me, "Uh, I don't really fit IN here..."  I almost choked. Yeah, ya think, baby girl?  So,,, besides teaching them all the "rules" of demo-ing that I've learned over the summer, here are the OTHER things the girls learned yesterday about the people from this strange, strange town:

You might be from Town XXX , if...
  • you don't believe in dental care, and it wouldn't matter if you did, because you don't have more than three teeth in your head anyway
  • you chain smoke, on welfare, at ten dollars a pack, even while pregnant
  • you do not weigh LESS than 350 pounds
  • you feed your children Cheesies and generic brand pop all day, even in their bottles
  • you bring ALL of your children with you to the derby, which by the way, lasted nearly 9 hours, and you never once get up off the bleachers to watch them, or offer them a change of scenery
  • the newborn? Oh yeah, he comes along too.  (Did you know demos are SO LOUD that many "seasoned" veterans of the bleacher crew bring their own soundproof earphones?)  Yeah, it's ok. If he's sleeping through it, it must not be bothering HIS ears. And if he's crying, well it must be because he needs more of that Grape Soda in his bottle  
  • I am not making ANY of this up - I swear to god...
  • You raise your children by SCREAMING at them (remember, don't get up; don't wonder whether they might just possibly be slightly BORED by sitting on the bleachers for 9 hours at a basically adult-type activity or employ any of those other semi-intelligent parenting skills...)
  • oh, when you SCREAM at your child to get back up on the bleachers, you insert the "F" word into your sentence at LEAST three times, as in, "Get your F-ing A** back up here on the F-ing bleachers before I f-ing come down there and BEAT your f-ing a**.  (Child is NOT bright, but does know, of course, that you, mom, or aunt, or grandma, or big sister with the baby - big is relative; the average age there with newborns SERIOUSLY looked to be about 15 - is NOT going to get up off YOUR 350 pound a** to come beat yours. She will just continue to YELL at you for another 6 or 7 hours, because there, in that town, apparently that is how EVERYONE raises their children.
  • three women to my left had 5:00 shadow, and needed a good shave (I am NOT lying - ask my daughter)
  • "sumbitch" is a word they know well, although any other grammatically correct item out of their mouths was either not to be, or too hard to understand when their bottom lip caves in on their gums...,
  • bras have yet to be discovered there by the women-folk, but hickeys stand out clearly on their necks, so must be their men don't mind
  • razors, for men, is apparently a newfangled invention which has ALSO not a popular item there
This demo was held as a part of Town XXX's "Fall Festival."  If we went back today, we could have attended the "Hairy Women of Klipnocky" talent and beauty (?) contest at 1:00. (Kilpnocky is an actual State Forest nearby, and the stories of the "Hairy Women" are legend, and have been around for years and years.   I know, at this point, you think this whole post is totally tonge-in-cheek, and I am SO not kidding about ANY of this.   Here is the actual advertisement for the contest I found on line by googling it today:

HAIRY WOMEN OF KLIPNOCKY BEAUTY CONTESTSUNDAY SEPTEMBER 19, 20101 P.M.OK, so you’re asking yourself…just what exactly is a Hairy Woman??? Well, the answer is a little vague. The Hairy Women of Klipnocky is a local legend about a family of sisters who tragically lost their parents and were left to raise themselves in the hills of Klipnocky. (Yes, it’s really a place.) Of course, living in the hills of the KlipnockyState Forest they probably became wild and hairy, right? How else would they keep warm and survive? Depending on who you talk to about the Hairy Women, you will get several different versions of this legend. Each one is sure to entertain you and each one gets crazier than the last. So from this legend came the idea of a beauty contest. What started as a fun idea for the festival has turned into a great crowd pleaser with huge cash prizes!!! Here’s how it works. Participants dress themselves as their idea of a Hairy Woman. They are interviewed by the self appointed “Mayor” of Klipnocky and answer a few questions from our questionnaire. Finally, they are asked to show off their talent. Judging is done by local “Mayors” and results are tallied by the Festival Staff. There are two age groups: Students and Adults. Prizes are given in both categories. There is no cost to enter.So, are you Hairy Woman material? Do you have what it takes to bring homethe big prize and the bragging rights for the next year? Go ahead and join us. Disguise yourself and your voice and be whatever Hairy Woman character you’d like!!! Or let everyone know who you are and have a ball! The possibilities are endless. Don’t forget you’ll be asked to show your talent. In the past this has included dancing, armpit hair braiding, booger flinging (I know, gross. It was slime.), amazing pet tricks, singing and many, many more wild and crazy things. Rise to the challenge and see ifyou (or you and your friends) can defeat the reigning “beauty”! Come to the Festival Staff Tent to get your questionnaire and be entered into the contest. Oh, and one more thing, please remember this is a family show and keep it clean!!!

Still think I'm kidding about the education my daughter and her friend got yesterday?



Leigh said...

WOW! I thought stuff like that could only be seen in south... You just described my trip to Walmart.

Dog Hair in my Coffee said...

Funny - my son at college and I were discussing last night how you could easily interchange "The People of Walmart" with "The People of XXX."
The movie Deliverance and this town do share some striking similarities...

Jennifer Montero said...

It's a good thing that there are good teachers out there to present a different view of the world for the kids!

We have the same here in England. In fact I was sat in a car with someone who happily told me he doens't go to our nearest city "because it's too full of coloureds now." (he means people who aren't white). That word - which I find as insulting as the 'n'word - is common parlance around here. So is the attitude. I don't even know where to start re-educating people not to accept ignorance as "traditional values".

Peruby said...


Callie said...

Sounds like the wild west and the wrong side of the tracks merged. I'm never going to Walmart if one opens up around here. Scary!

twistie said...

Oh my WORD!!!! Totally sounds like our state fair!!!

Hannah said...

Just wow with that huge list of things, I got some ideas too for my nephew and niece to tips as they grow up..

Anonymous said...

I think you are being to critical of the area that you were in. Its sad that you felt this way, seeing that you were participating in a Derby. I'm sure you home town is not up to snuff and all. What you need to remember is that they have good teachers there that give them a good education so that people like you don't make them feel like crap because you assume that EVERYONE who lives there acts, and looks like you described.