Monday, February 15, 2010

Airborne Toxic Event - really???

So Savannah (age 14 1/2 going on really adult and mature sometimes, and almost always sweet - unusual for a teen, and I DO appreciate how lucky I am there!) and I are on our way to visit my dad today, an hour away. I didn't want to go. I spent almost two hundred bucks at the vet on Friday, and then had to take another cat there this morning. I don't LIKE spending money at the Vet on cats. I like my cats, but I didn't ask to have all of them. We have too many. And though I LIKE them, I"m not in love with the cats the way I am my dogs. I don't begrudge spending money at the Vets on my dogs when I have to. But this cat who went today is my second son's favorite, and he was very worried about her, and so now, she, too, is going to cost me a small fortune. Infected and abcessed teeth that need to be surgically removed tomorrow. And T'S mom has been hospitalized all weekend - apparently a small stroke, and some instant major dementia issues. Very worrisome, exhaustively worrisome, on top of my dad. So, my dad. Yeah, my brother was supposed to visit yesterday, and I was going to go tomorrow. He didn't go, so I felt sad for my dad, and obligated to go see him today. And I didn't want to. I just am feeling GRUMPY. This is MY vacation, and it isn't a vacation. I am feeling very overwhelmed with lots of little stuff that I really have no right to be overwhelmed with, but I am letting it get to me. Last week was far worse, and I'm not even at work this week. But regardless, I've been very grumpy all day. And on the way there, we're listening to this weird Sirius radio station that Savannah likes, and I can tolerate, usually. It's stuff I usually can just tune out, though sometimes I even like a song or two. Today, this one came on, and although the GROUP name certainly did not catch my attention (Airborne Toxic Event - come ON, where do they GET these names???)
some of the words just JUMPED out at me:

Standing on a bus stop
Feeling your head pop

Out in the night
On the kind of night
Where you want to be out
On the street, on the street
Crawling up the walls
Like a cat in heat"

And the air is thin
And it blows through your skin
And you feel like something
Is about to begin
But you don't know what
And you don't know when
So you tear at your hair
And you scratch at your skin

You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the f'ing train and leave today
And it doesn't matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or caught in your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well, you're tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well

So you stand on the corner
Where the angels sit
And you think to yourself,
"This is it, this is it,
This is all that I have
All I can stand
Is this air in my lungs
And this coin in my hand
That you tossed in the air
And I fell, and I fell
All the way to the bottom
Of the well, of the well
Like those soft little secrets
That you tell, that you tell
To yourself, when you think
No one's listening to, well"

And I thought: YES! Someone else gets it. Someone GETS that FEELING, those FEELINGS, of just feeling like you are crawling the wall (...not REALLY like a cat in heat, though, that's uh, just WEIRD) - that feeling I have ALL THE TIME when the pressure's on - that I've just had ENOUGH, and that all I want is to run away. I don't care where I go. I don't care whether it is 10 miles away, or 1000. I just want AWAY. I don't want to BE HERE. I don't want to DEAL. I just want out from under these responsibilities. I want away. Flight or fight? I ALWAYS choose flight. "Run away, run away, run away" runs through my brain A LOT. And not in that silly Monty Python voice either. In a pretty serious "I have GOT to get AWAY from here" tone of voice which, if it had any money behind it not left at the vet's office, might actually TAKE me someplace far away.
Too bad it is some random weird group with a bad name who "gets it," but for two or three minutes, I identified, and I felt totally vindicated.

Then, we came home, and Miss Savannah made dinner. THE WHOLE DINNER. All by herself. It was DELICIOUS. Stuffed shells with pesto cheese sauce. Garlic bread. Salad. And she set the table for T and I, with a red tablecloth, a rose, and she and her brother ate in the den so that her dad and I could eat a nice, quiet dinner alone. She "researched" wine to find out what went with our meal, though I did turn it down in favor of just water tonight. Sweet, nonetheless. And she made us Baked Apples with Spiced Rum caramel sauce for desert. And then bounced off to a basketball game at school. And just like that, I feel better.
I bought myself a book today that I really, really, really wanted to read. More on that in another post. It went with the movie I saw last night. And I bought myself some bath salts. And now, I'm going to scrub the tub out, then fill it, and take myself AWAY for awhile. I don't even have to go ten miles. Just upstairs.


Callie said...

I'm glad you could get your thoughts out and I hope you feel a bit better after your soak in the bubbles. Everyone really is always fighting a hard battle. Wish I could make things better.

Allmycke said...

I'm going to check these guys out on YouTube - I like the lyrics! (My son would probably faint if the heard me say that...)