Random summer musings:

There are bees living in my compost pile. They do not like it when I try to turn the pile over. They warned me the other day that they didn't like me messing with their pile. Today I thought maybe I would see if they were actually living there, or perhaps they had just been visiting the other day, and their warning sting on my hand had just been a mistake. Nope, no mistake. And they were not just resting their wings on the way to someplace else. They are squatters in my pile, and have claimed it for their own. Today they let me know that FOR SURE. (And they were also thinking, I"m quite sure, "lady, how dumb do you have to be to keep coming back for more of us? We TOLD you the other day, WE live here now - leave us alone.") OK, message understood today. And I was able to find the bee sting swabs today, so at least my leg, and my the middle finger on my right hand are not currently as bothered as is the area of my left hand between my thumb and first finger. It makes me not idealize the thoughts I've had of "beekeeping for honey" quite so much. It makes the thoughts of doing that a bit more realistic. I know most people say they don't get stung often, or at all, when doing it, but hmmmm - right now, bee stings seem a bit more painful than, say, the occasional peck on the hand or foot by my chickens, so... I think I'll just stick with chickens for awhile.

I don't fancy myself much of a cook, though I guess I CAN cook well enough. I just really, really, really don't LIKE to cook. Unless I hit upon something that everyone raves about. That happens rarely, but when it does, when they actually ASK me to cook something, it makes me feel good and makes me want to cook it for them. This summer it has been homemade pizza. I got a quick and easy dough recipe on line from another blogger, and love, love, love it - it doesn't have any yeast in it, so it doesn't need time to rise. AND, from Cold Antler Farm, I got the idea from Jenna to make pizza in a cast iron skillet. These two things combined have made for some awesome pizza dinners this summer. Simple, asked for, raved about, and delicious. THAT'S my kind of cooking! And I got ambitious last night and made a home made cherry pie, and bread from that "Bread in Five Minutes a Day" recipe. Which just points out even more that I am a baker, not a cook! But we ate well yesterday, from my hands. THAT feels good.

And eggs. Chicken eggs from MY chickens. I never, ever tire of opening the back of the coop and finding an egg, or two, to bring in. It totally just warms my heart. I can't explain it, but a chicken egg, fresh from my coop and my chickens, is so important to me. Right now, because my own 4 little hens are new this year, I won't get eggs from them until maybe September or October? But a friend's dad gave me two of his big Auracana hens "on loan" for eggs, until my own start laying, and so from them I get a blue egg or two every day. I love it. It is totally making my summer, and so is sitting and watching the chickens. They each have their own personality, and I love them all. My life is becoming more my own each day, more what I want it to be. I guess I find it interesting to see how my life has changed, evolved, and how my dreams have changed so much, yet, deep inside, have really remained much the same. I couldn't have known when I was 14 or 15 that I would want to own chickens some day, or live in Alaska, but the dreams I did have back then were of the same genre - the one I remember most clearly was wanting to live in a cabin in the mountains of Colorado, being a writer there, and having a dog with me for company. I wanted to have a wood stove and cut my own wood, and grow food from a garden, and just live, be fully alive. Well, life has a way of happening - college, a job, a husband, children - before you know it, you are often set in a way of life that seems "normal," and happens to most people, but it doesn't mean that you are locked in it, or that some of your old dreams can't still be. Granted, I probably never will live in Colorado, or be a solitary writer, but I do have my dogs (and how thankful I am for them - more than I ever could have known back then when my life was far more full of people!) - and the things inside me that moved me back then are still at work in my life right now. They may manifest themselves a bit differently now, but that's ok. At least I know my heart, and my dreams, are still alive. Funny how a bowl of blue chicken eggs can be such a tangible reminder of that.

Fourth of July

Not much to post today. No one's fault but my own - I spent a totally unenergetic, unproductive day, I guess by choice. It didn't feel like choice - I just felt blah, and a bit lonely, and uninspired today, but that irritates me, because generally I really enjoy being alone. I had tons of things I could have done - sewing, crafting, folding 20 loads of clean laundry, dishes. I even got out two cans of cherries with the intention of making a cherry pie today, and thought about baking granola bars, and maybe even a loaf of bread, but every time I thought about doing something, I'd go lay down, read a chapter or two of a really bad book, and fall asleep for 30 minutes or so. Finally, I gave up and decided that sometimes maybe we just need a day to rest, and read, and NOT accomplish anything, without feeling guilty. That's the key - because I felt guilty and bad today for not having something to show at the end of the day. But, it's summer, and there's always tomorrow. My goals for tomorrow? Fold all the laundry, bake a loaf of bread with dinner, make a cherry AND a berry pie, bake some granola bars, and make Keenan do the dishes. Oh, and I should probably make an appearance up the street at Wayde's graduation party. So, off to bed to finish the lousy book, and perhaps tomorrow will be the very productive day today was not!
Things to be grateful for today:

• a day with NO rain, and lots of sunshine, even if it was on the cool side
• missing my children when they are gone more than they are home, and being glad to see them and talk to them when they DO come home
• the luxury of napping
• friends from far away
• memories of last summer in Alaska
  
• the times that Bramble pees outside, and the knowledge that SOMEDAY she, too, will be housebroken like the rest of the big dogs
  

And today, I'm grateful for:

• Border Collies
• waiting for books I've ordered to come in the mail
• fresh spaghetti sauce filled with fresh tomatoes, peppers and mushrooms
• hearing the rain outside my window when I'm sleepy
• ice cream in a bowl
• and...puppy kisses from a puppy mouth that smells like a skunk!!!
  

Welcome home, Bramble

So I have FINALLY gotten my act together. Well, ok, a part of my act. I now have taken the time to get a new camera cord, a new battery charger cord, AND I figured out how to upload a photo. So, my slowwwww bloggy start should now improve?
This gorgeous little baby's name is Brambleberry, or Bramble for short. She came from about 3 hours away, in Berkshire, NY, and is the answer to a 22 year old prayer. I have always wanted a Border Collie, but it has just never been the right time. Now, for lots of reasons, it is. And here she is. My heart has already welcomed her home.

A New Beginning ....I hope!

I hope it is a new beginning. I really enjoy writing, but have neglected this blog so long it is almost embarrassing to start again. And it really didn't get very far on it's first try, but, why not, I guess. I'm a little more motivated, and summer is coming, so a little more time is a given, and I have lots of projects and ideas in the works, and lots of issues and frustrations that it would probably do me good to put down in words (if only so that I can look back and see how they all worked out, because things always do... when you can see the big picture, which I can't right now - Faith?!) I also really like the idea of keeping track of things I am grateful for, on a daily basis. I think that is such a good exercise. There are some days when things seem so bleak that I really have to THINK about what's good - but that's exactly the point. And so, since I really need to go get a few things done today, I'll end with that for right now:

I'm grateful today for:

• the chance to get away with a friend this weekend and leave all my cares behind for a fun and awesome two days;
• my chickens in my coop, which are turning out to be a little bit of a pain, but are really a "dream come true" (I have ALWAYS wanted to own chickens, and finally, I do. That really does make me happy);
  
• looking forward to getting the Border Collie I have always wanted, also, in a few more weeks.

Rather random, but they work for today!

Maybe it's the Season

The past few days I have been feeling like one of those "winter wonderland" snow globes, where it sits for long periods of time on top of your piano, or mantel, with little figures, still, unmoving. There is a stasis to it that nothing short of intended, purposeful motion can shift. But then, someone comes along, and has to shake it up, because that is its purpose. Once shaken, the snow flutters and falls down on top of the snowman, or santa, or whatever life-life little statues are inside it. The world, for those figures, for those few moments, is a madness of uninvited activity. I used to think, as a child, that the snow was welcome. After all, what is a snowman without the swirling madness of white surrounding it. Children LIKE snow. I like snow, too. But I prefer the gentleness of a few flakes now and then, pretty, soft, simple, not the confusion of a whirlwind winter storm unless I'm prepared for it, see it coming, hear the forecast a week ahead of time. Lately, for a week or so, I've felt like the statue in the storm, and some persistently annoying person has felt the need to stand nearby and give the globe a constant, unremitting, shaking. My head is going to explode. There is the storm of feelings regarding C and her Senior year "issues" over college, basketball, school administration, friends, work, gender and life itself. I am far too intertwined in those, not only as the protective, worrying parent, but also as the mirror image and too close for comfort self that I was almost exactly at that age. It's frightening to have to see myself, at an age and time I hated in my life, mirrored daily in my daughter. I cannot separate most days the me that I was, with all those negative, impossible to deal with feelings, and her. I seem to struggle so much to be the parent she needs. I dont' know how to be, because, through her, I'm still struggling with the troubled 17 year old that I was. Then there is the storm of change at work that, although I try to stay out of the worst of those winds, there is no denying that it is going to affect me again, beginning Monday, and lasting ...forever? Through next summer? Who knows. It hasn't been stable for three years, and I do begin to doubt that it ever will be, because I cannot control the lack of stability that other people contribute to my world. Not a huge big deal, but a few of the flakes that have fallen carry that tag. Then there is the homefront, and all it's important emotional issues that have been there for many years now, give or take. I deal, and then I don't deal. I think, and then I ignore. I try, and then I don't. I never quite give up, and I never quite succeed. No homeostasis there. That has become forefront again this week because of other past issues. Those I do a pretty good job, most of the time, of letting go. They are, but they aren't, because they can't and shouldn't be. Should never have been, under my life's circumstances. In another lifetime, maybe. In this one, nope. I know that. OK. Done. Gone. But, then, things happen that can't be helped, things that I have no control over and only fate deals out, and so it probably would have come back to sit on my shoulder and whisper shadowy things in my ear anyway this week, but unfortunately for my psyche, something else connected to my heart, too, and opened that closed dark and lonely chasm back up. It will close again, and it's not a big deal to be examined, and thought about and picked at, but, like a sore tooth in your mouth that you KNOW you should leave alone, but can't, well, that's the most of the swirling storm of emotions sitting upon my shoulders right now. There's just too much to deal with. I can't see through the storm right now. I was given a light in the darkness this morning for an hour. I knew it was there, and I knew this morning I could reach out and ask for it, and I did. It didn't shovel the path in front of me - only I can do that. But it did hand me a light and say, "I'll walk with you until the storm clears, and you can see the path clearly again yourself. And, I will not be far behind, if some idiot decides to shake the globe again." And then he said, "That will be the usual $100 dollars for being your friend for an hour, please." I love that man. Truly I do.

I'm Sick of being Sick

Deathly ill. AGAIN. I'm sick so often people at school hear my voice and say "Are you STILL sick?" and the answer really is, "No, not still. Just again." It's always the same thing. A head cold turns into a chest cold turns into bronchitis, almost immediately, and then, if I'm really lucky, like last month, it even turns into pneumonia. This one came on fast and hard. So, do I go to Urgent Care tonight, and check it out since I feel REALLY bad already (no letting THIS one drag out 6 weeks I guess) - my lungs feel like they're on fire, my side already hurts from coughing so much for two days, my ear is so full of pressure it feels like it is going to burst, and my throat hurts from trying to talk and teach. All I want to do is lay my body down in bed and sleep for the next 24 hours. I ache. But, it's probably too soon, and they will just tell me I have a cold, or the "flu" or whatever. I guess I will do what I always do - just suck it up and tough it out. The only difference is this time I feel really bad, already. Maybe it's lack of resistance. Maybe, because I have been sick since the beginning of school with only a week of two of wellness following that nasty antibiotic last time, maybe I start out where I left off. Maybe I don't get to build back up to it this time. Someone once told me that in teaching your health cycles every seven years - that once every seven years you catch simply EVERYTHING going around. I don't know if that's true, because I can't remember seven years ago. I do wonder why my weakness is always respiratory and why it seems like I am almost always sick. Why do I have such a weak immune system? Is there anything I can do for it? Would taking a daily vitamin and eating Vitamin C on a daily basis really make a difference? If I thought it would help, I would. If it's a "it can't hurt" sort of thing, forget it. I already take too much medicine, and don't want more unless it's DEFINITELY going to help. Kinda like exercise. People say if you exercise, your overall health will be better, and "it can't hurt, right?" Wrong. Exercise DOES hurt. I HATE exercising. If you promised me that walking two miles a day would prevent this illness, both in severity and frequency, then I would consider it. If it's a wing and a prayer, never mind. I'll stay warm, fat, sick, and relatively happy, thanks. I would like some Vicks Vapor Rub for my chest tonight, though.