US Transcendentalist author (1817 - 1862)
I went to bed last night angry, irritated and depressed. I have been chasing a dream the past few months, nearly a year now since it began to take shape. It's a big dream. A HUGE life-changing dream. It is big, and terrifying, and exciting. It makes me happy, and scared, and feel alive, finally. And yet it seems, sometimes, the closer I get to it, the more elusive it becomes. One day, it all seems possible and doable and I feel close. Yesterday, I even added another piece to it which only seemed to complement and complete it. I was "up" and excited. So excited. I've never been THIS CLOSE to something that means so much to me. JUST me. And then, piece by piece, reality starts to take it apart, and I look at the obstacles that people point out. It's ok that they do this. It is. It's reality. And you can't REALLY go off chasing dreams without some dose of reality too, or those dreams will not have any foundation to them. They'll crash and burn. I know this. I do. That part, at least, comes with age and maturity. I've never been a big fan of reality. I PREFER dreams that seem easy! Don't we all. Last night when I went to bed, I was ready to just say "forget it. It's impossible. It isn't going to work, and there's just no way I can make it work." That's depressing. But this morning, when I awoke, I realized that that is exactly what people WANT me to do. Even the people, some of them, who say they think it's cool, and oh yeah, you should do that... but then point out the things they see that are so impractical... in a way, I think they WANT me to say, "Yeah, you're right, it won't work," and settle back in to my singular existence here and now. I don't think they MEAN to be dream killers. I think they just PREFER reality, without the complications of trying to reach a dream. I honestly don't think a lot of people even really have dreams; at least not ones that are really important to them that they reach. I think too many people just live, day to day, in the reality they've built, or that has been built for them along the way. That's ok. I'm not criticizing that at all. It just makes me understand that because of that, people like me who DO have some sort of "out there," crazy idea of what we need to do or accomplish for our own well being are not well understood creatures. I am the oddity to most people. I get that. Sort of. I don't really understand how life can just be so boringly normal and so many people are ok with that, but I accept it. I wish there was a little more acceptance for people who DON"T fit that mold as well.
I realized, though, this morning that I'm NOT ready to give up. The Thoreau quote popped into my head and as I lay there in the chilly light of morning, as the day tried to begin, I realized that dreams - in order to make them work - might take hard work, might take planning, and maybe even some creativity to figure out how to put them all together, and to pull them off. I was actually kind of offended by myself this morning. "Really, Laurie? This means so little to you that you're going to let someone throw up roadblocks and you're going to back down from them that quickly? Wow. Grow up. Figure out another way. Do some more thinking, and planning. If it's that important to you, you WILL make it work." It would be easier with a cheerleading section, with a team to support me, to help me, to dream WITH me, without all the negatives. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't love to have that, but that, apparently, is not how my life works.
So, I have the dreams. I have brought them into VERY clear focus lately, way up there in the air. Now I need to get busy laying the groundwork under them to make sure I can reach them. I have lots of practical work to accomplish today - cleaning out the chicken coop and closing it up for winter, cleaning the rabbit hutch, taking a trip to the dump, sweeping, vacuuming, folding laundry, doing the dishes, hanging up clothes, etc. Those are the things that keep me grounded, today. I'm grateful for the busy work for my hands today, so my brain can keep spinning in and out of those castles. I WILL make all this work SOMEHOW. Maybe, by the time I finish the last chore today, I'll have some new ideas. THAT'S more like it, more like the me I like, the me I believe in. I'm not opposed to practical, "get your hands dirty" work while my brain spins on, trying to add the reality element that is so needed to those awesome dreams I have. Watch me make this work!