Saturday, April 2, 2011

Why Yes, I WOULD Like Some Whine with my Pneumonia...

I am just running out of energy. I feel like I am hanging off a ledge and just barely holding on by my fingernails. I
also feel like I have no right to complain or feel bad, but by denying myself even that, I feel worse. Maybe it's ok to whine JUST a little, to wallow JUST a little, and then to go back to being strong and positive again? 
It's been a really long month or so, it seems; a really long winter. If I just had more energy to deal with it all, it'd be fine, but since I am so prone to debilitating anxiety, not doing, not being able to Do, just adds MORE stress.
Thinking and worrying are my two worst enemies. Doing is positive, and I'm too stressed and too sick at the moment to DO anything.
A couple weeks ago was my brother's severe life-threatening accident, which I have tried to write about, and have not yet been able to. With lack of sleep and stress that week, I came down with a terrible, terrible cold. No real big deal, but I haven't been able to pull it back together, health wise, mentally OR physically, since then. I don't know why.
Last Friday, I took my dad to Rochester for a pre-surgery appointment. It went well, but apparently was also more stressful when all was said and done than I had anticipated, and I got sicker, MUCH sicker, last weekend. So I started out this past week down on energy. I went to EMT class Tuesday night, but felt really crappy. By Thursday morning, after getting dressed for school and then sitting on the couch and crying for a few minutes because I just felt SO BAD, I realized, "Oh, you know? If you feel this bad, maybe you should make a doctor's appointment."  That was sort of a revelation, since I don't often go to, or think of, the dr.  So, after school I did, only to find that I have pneumonia. Again. I'm not unfamiliar with it, being prone to it, but haven't had it in a couple of years. I tried to get a chest xray and bloodwork done right after, only to find the lab already closed, and by yesterday, I was just too sick to get up off the couch and drive myself there, so I skipped that. I hope it doesn't really matter. I also skipped class on Thursday night. 
Now, I'm just totally stressing over school work that I am waaaay behind on, the EMT class work which is SO draining to me - twice a week, four hours each - which is part of why I am SO far behind in my lesson plans and correcting, and probably why I am not getting any healthier.
In addition, my house is not only a mess, but dirty as well. 19 chickens in the bathroom who need to be moved to the barn, but I've been too sick and too busy to put the coop back up in the barn.  The carpets all need to be not only thoroughly vacuumed but steam clea
ned, and I simply have no energy to even contemplate that. The entire house is a disaster. And in another week or so, I don't even remember when, my oldest is coming home from college with 4 of his friends for a night on their way to somewhere else, and I can't imagine letting ANYONE in this house right now. I would die of embarrassment. But how, and when, will I POSSIBLY find time to get it clean again?
My dad goes in for surgery this coming Friday, so normal routine gets turned upside down yet again.
     Usually I can figure out how to slow things down, make choices, drop things, fix things. Right now, I don't know how to do that. Common sense tells me to drop the EMT class, since that is the most stressful thing on my plate right now. And honestly, I'd LOVE to, since I can imagine the relief it would bring me, almost instantly.  But I only have til mid May until I'm done. Should I have put in this much time already, and drop it now? Seems a waste. But I don't know what else I can do. I can't drop teaching - and grades are due no matter what else in my life is going on. The parents of my students don't want to hear hear about MY life for the past month or two - they just want me to do my job. I'd like to do it, too.
I can't NOT be with my dad for his surgery and after care time in the hospital. That would leave my sister all alone with that, and that's not fair. At least I have the week off - for her, it's the week before her break.
I'd hire a cleaning person, except I don't know any, I can't afford one, and my house is seriously too messy and too dirty to even allow a cleaning person in. And the chickens? I don't even KNOW what to do with them, but they can't stay in my bathroom much longer. I KNOW that's part of what is making my house smell, in addition to the carpets needing to be scrubbed.
I can hope, and assume, that I will feel better from the pneumonia, after another few days of antibiotics, but meanwhile, grades are due Tuesday, I need lesson plans for Monday, the State ELA tests are coming up, I'm behind on my EMT stuff and feeling too crappy and sick and tired to take in any more information anyway.
I just don't quite know what to do. I'm hoping a small amount of feeling sorry for myself today will be the kick in the butt I need to see things more clearly tomorrow. Othewise, I just don't know what to do.
June is my salvation, but June is just too far away to be of any use right now.


Murphyfish said...

Hey Laurie,
One step at a time me dear, first rest not stress - does not matter that the house is a mess; it'll be clean when your ready, If the EMT would offer a relief with the dropping then drop it; your peace of mind in far more important - ah sod this I'm no good at advice me dear I'll e-mail you Monday and hopefully lift your spirits as you have lifted mine - till then rest, rest and more rest, whatever will be will be whether or not you worry about it so just take the first step first and get over the pneumonia. Wishing you well,
Your friend,

Peruby said...

Drop the EMT class, stop beating yourself up. Sounds like you may just be spinning your wheels and not going anywhere. It is a tough time for you right now.

I also get tired and my house looks like a bomb went off inside of it. I am embarrassed to let people in. I don't even have pneumonia - I have no excuse for my exhaustion.

You are not the only person to feel overwhelmed. What you are feeling is quite normal for somebody in your circumstance.

Sending good wishes, good vibrations and hopefully some energy your way. Find something to make you laugh (funny videos helps me). Good luck!

Coloradocasters said...

Oh my goodness. It saddens me greatly to hear you catching a terrible bug at the worst of times. Hoping with all my heart that you get the rest you need and can get back on your feet.

Jennifer Montero said...

Stop wasting precious energy beating yourself up. You are not whining, you're taking stock of some serious issues in your life, and sharing the ups and downs with people who will support you, even if we can only do soon through the comments page of your blog. I SO wish I could come over there right now and give you a hand.

Don't worry about the housekeeping, your kids are coming to see you, not the house. And no one ever died from not finishing their housework.

I can't advise you on the EMT course but if it were me, I would definitely go and speak to someone in the program about your current circumstances. There may be some leeyway, or a chance to put the course on hold while you deal with some pretty important life stuff.

My fingers are crossed for you and your family. We're thinking of you if that helps. I'm glad you're not suffering in silence, and more glad that your kids are coming to help. Let them. And go to the doctors. I will be checking in again, and I'm not afraid to keep nagging you!! :-)

2 Tramps said...

You sure have had a full plate - kind of like dining at an all you can eat buffet! Hope that you are feeling much better by now and that things have settled down a bit for you.