I am just running out of energy. I feel like I am hanging off a ledge and just barely holding on by my fingernails. I
also feel like I have no right to complain or feel bad, but by denying myself even that, I feel worse. Maybe it's ok to whine JUST a little, to wallow JUST a little, and then to go back to being strong and positive again?
It's been a really long month or so, it seems; a really long winter. If I just had more energy to deal with it all, it'd be fine, but since I am so prone to debilitating anxiety, not doing, not being able to Do, just adds MORE stress.
Thinking and worrying are my two worst enemies. Doing is positive, and I'm too stressed and too sick at the moment to DO anything.
A couple weeks ago was my brother's severe life-threatening accident, which I have tried to write about, and have not yet been able to. With lack of sleep and stress that week, I came down with a terrible, terrible cold. No real big deal, but I haven't been able to pull it back together, health wise, mentally OR physically, since then. I don't know why.
Last Friday, I took my dad to Rochester for a pre-surgery appointment. It went well, but apparently was also more stressful when all was said and done than I had anticipated, and I got sicker, MUCH sicker, last weekend. So I started out this past week down on energy. I went to EMT class Tuesday night, but felt really crappy. By Thursday morning, after getting dressed for school and then sitting on the couch and crying for a few minutes because I just felt SO BAD, I realized, "Oh, you know? If you feel this bad, maybe you should make a doctor's appointment." That was sort of a revelation, since I don't often go to, or think of, the dr. So, after school I did, only to find that I have pneumonia. Again. I'm not unfamiliar with it, being prone to it, but haven't had it in a couple of years. I tried to get a chest xray and bloodwork done right after, only to find the lab already closed, and by yesterday, I was just too sick to get up off the couch and drive myself there, so I skipped that. I hope it doesn't really matter. I also skipped class on Thursday night.
Now, I'm just totally stressing over school work that I am waaaay behind on, the EMT class work which is SO draining to me - twice a week, four hours each - which is part of why I am SO far behind in my lesson plans and correcting, and probably why I am not getting any healthier.
In addition, my house is not only a mess, but dirty as well. 19 chickens in the bathroom who need to be moved to the barn, but I've been too sick and too busy to put the coop back up in the barn. The carpets all need to be not only thoroughly vacuumed but steam clea
ned, and I simply have no energy to even contemplate that. The entire house is a disaster. And in another week or so, I don't even remember when, my oldest is coming home from college with 4 of his friends for a night on their way to somewhere else, and I can't imagine letting ANYONE in this house right now. I would die of embarrassment. But how, and when, will I POSSIBLY find time to get it clean again?
My dad goes in for surgery this coming Friday, so normal routine gets turned upside down yet again.
Usually I can figure out how to slow things down, make choices, drop things, fix things. Right now, I don't know how to do that. Common sense tells me to drop the EMT class, since that is the most stressful thing on my plate right now. And honestly, I'd LOVE to, since I can imagine the relief it would bring me, almost instantly. But I only have til mid May until I'm done. Should I have put in this much time already, and drop it now? Seems a waste. But I don't know what else I can do. I can't drop teaching - and grades are due no matter what else in my life is going on. The parents of my students don't want to hear hear about MY life for the past month or two - they just want me to do my job. I'd like to do it, too.
I can't NOT be with my dad for his surgery and after care time in the hospital. That would leave my sister all alone with that, and that's not fair. At least I have the week off - for her, it's the week before her break.
I'd hire a cleaning person, except I don't know any, I can't afford one, and my house is seriously too messy and too dirty to even allow a cleaning person in. And the chickens? I don't even KNOW what to do with them, but they can't stay in my bathroom much longer. I KNOW that's part of what is making my house smell, in addition to the carpets needing to be scrubbed.
I can hope, and assume, that I will feel better from the pneumonia, after another few days of antibiotics, but meanwhile, grades are due Tuesday, I need lesson plans for Monday, the State ELA tests are coming up, I'm behind on my EMT stuff and feeling too crappy and sick and tired to take in any more information anyway.
I just don't quite know what to do. I'm hoping a small amount of feeling sorry for myself today will be the kick in the butt I need to see things more clearly tomorrow. Othewise, I just don't know what to do.
June is my salvation, but June is just too far away to be of any use right now.