I look back at the last time I posted, realizing it was the last time I felt even remotely like putting words on a paper until just the past couple of days. Christmas is, hands down, THE most stressful time or event of my entire year. And, right after Christmas, we settle in to that (for me) dreaded month of January. It has been an odd winter this year, the least winter-like winter we've had in memory. Today is February 12th, and although there is snow in the air today, and maybe an inch or two on the ground from yesterday, it is the most snow we have had all winter. It has not been particularly cold, nor snowy, but it HAS been cloudy, dreary and grey too many days. That affects my mood, drastically. And I have been SO unmotivated these past two months. I haven't felt like writing. Or reading. Or sewing, or baking or ANYTHING. My internal wheels have been spinning nonstop, though. I guess that's almost the unfortuate part of being an introspective person to begin with, and then, to combine that with a month with no external motivation to do anything BUT think.... I"m not sure if the end product of all that thinking will be good or bad. I guess it depends on who's perspective you get -
-right now I am awaiting a decision, hopefully tomorrow, which could begin to put the wheels in motion for the first of MANY changes. Maybe, maybe not. I just know that IF the answer is "yes," then I am poised on the edge of some beautiful and scary changes - beginning in May. If the answer is "no," then the changes may still be there, they will just be more difficult to make and could have far more serious consequences. I am praying very hard for a "yes," even a grudging one, and then will let you know. The thing is, that this weekend, before that answer, there is HOPE. And I have not felt hopeful, have not looked forward, to anything this good for quite some time, so even the hope feels good. Hope motivates. I cleaned out the entire living room yesterday - sorted all bookshelves, book cupboards, got rid of lots of excess, scrubbed, dusted, etc. I was productive, with something to show for it, for the first time in ages. I am now about to go upstairs to work on our bedroom - sorting clothes, books, etc. up there. I know it will be another productive day. If the answer is "no" tomorrow, then I know that any motivation I currently have will slam to a halt, and it will take FOREVER to dig myself out of the disappointment. UGH. Not looking forward to having to deal with myself if that is the case. I LIKE feeling happy, hopeful, and motivated. Don't we all. Well, off to clean the bedroom before I lose that motivation, however fleeting it MAY be....fingers crossed for tomorrow.