Material Girl

So, I've been lusting after a pair of these boots for months, after seeing a tiny pair on the rack outside my classroom door. I thought they were adorable, but I wondered why some little girl was wearing RAIN BOOTS in the winter. Weren't her feet cold? Poor thing. (And she's an absolutely adorable little blondie with pig tails - she's as cute as her boots!) I picked them up, checked them over, then looked them up on line. And I discovered that while they LOOK like rain boots, they are actually rated to be comfy and warm to -40 degrees. While I'm sure they probably don't keep your toes TOASTY at -40, it rarely (EVER? Dont think so) gets that cold here. But I am sick and tired of my feet being wet and cold after hooking the dogs out every morning, and stomping down the snow in the chicken coop when I feed them and collect eggs every morning. And I have barn boots, but they ARE just rain boots. And, they're hard to get on and off. THESE boots have HANDLES. AND, they're f*a*s*h*i*o*n*a*b*l*e! I have pictured myself, every place I've gone for the past month, wearing these boots, and feeling very cool. Very dry, very warm, and really, really cool. Dorky, I know. But cool-dorky. I love that. (I also saw a tshirt at Tractor Supply I have to get to wear with them. It says "Peace, Love, and Tractors." I know, I know, I don't HAVE a tractor. But i want one. That counts, right? AND it matched the boots!)
Anyways, tonight? My husband handed me his credit card and LET ME ORDER THE BOOTS! I know there are a million reasons not to have - I really do. But, I'm also really, really excited. I can't WAIT to get these boots. I can't wait to feed my chickens, and hook out my dogs, and go to school in my really, really cool boots. And my feet will be dry. I'm SO excited.

TODAY

TODAY, I will not complain about the huge vet bill I am sick to my stomach over, for two cats, in two days. I will not worry that it was most of a paycheck. I will, instead, be happy that the cat who was the worst off is SOOOO grateful to be home, and out of pain again, and the most loving cat we have ever had. And the other cat is a really nice guy, too, and so I owe it to them to take care of them, even if I feel like I can't really afford to. I can, in the long run, and I know that loving animals to a(n expensive) fault, makes up a large part of who I am, and I like that part of me.

TODAY, I will not fuss about the fact that I have made dinner two nights in a row (a feat for me - I despise cooking meals. I love baking but hate cooking. It's so...functional, practical, mundane) and no one has eaten it. I will, instead, commend myself, pat myself on the back for having made the effort, and for having food to provide my family with, if they were home, or chose to eat it or weren't off doing other unplanned but necessary things at dinner time. I will also take comfort in the realization that I have meat in the freezer - good, rich, fat-free venison with which I can make many good meals for my family.

TODAY I will not stress over my father's decline in health, but will rejoice in the fact that I have not had any angry, completely irrational phone calls from him this week when my sister has been out of town leaving only me to "handle" things. And I will rejoice in the fact that he has lived for 89 years as of tomorrow, and that for most of those years, he has been very healthy and independent.

TODAY I will not worry about how much I have not gotten done with this week off. I will not worry that my bedroom rivals something found on HOARDERS, and how not getting it under control THIS WEEK is going to totally FREAK ME OUT until my next break in late APRIL. No I won't. I will NOT worry about it. Instead, I will be thankful for the down time I've had to get the kitchen cleaned, thoroughly cleaned, including keeping up with the dishes daily, and washing the floor, and the dog mats, etc. And how much time I've had to just relax with my crocheting, as I love to do, and how fun it has been to watch the Westminster Dog Show not on purpose, but just because I was being lazy and it was on, and the dogs were GORGEOUS. Well, some were actually very ugly - like walking, floating mops. And those huge pompous poodles? Oh my gosh - ridiculous. But, the working dogs, the hounds, the herding dogs - well, it was fun to be home, to be lazy and just sit and crochet while skimming and find that on, and enjoy it.

TODAY I will not be grumpy about the fact that I have to drive an hour to see my dad again tomorrow, but will, instead, be grateful that I have had two glorious days in a row at home. I have only had to leave the house to pick up the cat from the vet yesterday, go to the grocery store once, and go out for my morning coffee twice. I am also grateful that I have, since Monday, come to realize that it is NOT the visiting my dad, nor having to drive an hour to do so, that REALLY make me grumpy. It is simply having to leave my house. I tend to be a bit of an agoraphobic. I'm not AFRAID to leave my house - I just don't LIKE to. I'm like that at work too. Once I'm there for the day, I HATE to leave to go to the post office, pick up lunch, or anything. I will do anything to avoid having to leave. I even paid my daughter once to go to the Post Office for me so that I didn't have to leave home! Yes, I AM aware of how weird I am, thanks for noticing. Really, I do know, but I'm ok with it.
I also, as at odds with this part of my personality as it is going to sound, LOVE to travel, and especially love to travel on my own to new and exciting places. So, it is just the mundane sort of errands I do not like to leave my house for, I guess!!!

TODAY I have been at peace. TOMORROW, I wil try to also be at peace. And I will try to make the world a better place for someone.

Airborne Toxic Event - really???

So Savannah (age 14 1/2 going on really adult and mature sometimes, and almost always sweet - unusual for a teen, and I DO appreciate how lucky I am there!) and I are on our way to visit my dad today, an hour away. I didn't want to go. I spent almost two hundred bucks at the vet on Friday, and then had to take another cat there this morning. I don't LIKE spending money at the Vet on cats. I like my cats, but I didn't ask to have all of them. We have too many. And though I LIKE them, I"m not in love with the cats the way I am my dogs. I don't begrudge spending money at the Vets on my dogs when I have to. But this cat who went today is my second son's favorite, and he was very worried about her, and so now, she, too, is going to cost me a small fortune. Infected and abcessed teeth that need to be surgically removed tomorrow. And T'S mom has been hospitalized all weekend - apparently a small stroke, and some instant major dementia issues. Very worrisome, exhaustively worrisome, on top of my dad. So, my dad. Yeah, my brother was supposed to visit yesterday, and I was going to go tomorrow. He didn't go, so I felt sad for my dad, and obligated to go see him today. And I didn't want to. I just am feeling GRUMPY. This is MY vacation, and it isn't a vacation. I am feeling very overwhelmed with lots of little stuff that I really have no right to be overwhelmed with, but I am letting it get to me. Last week was far worse, and I'm not even at work this week. But regardless, I've been very grumpy all day. And on the way there, we're listening to this weird Sirius radio station that Savannah likes, and I can tolerate, usually. It's stuff I usually can just tune out, though sometimes I even like a song or two. Today, this one came on, and although the GROUP name certainly did not catch my attention (Airborne Toxic Event - come ON, where do they GET these names???)
some of the words just JUMPED out at me:

Standing on a bus stop
Feeling your head pop
Out in the night
On the kind of night
Where you want to be out
On the street, on the street
Crawling up the walls
Like a cat in heat"

And the air is thin
And it blows through your skin
And you feel like something
Is about to begin
But you don't know what
And you don't know when
So you tear at your hair
And you scratch at your skin

You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the f'ing train and leave today
And it doesn't matter where you spend the nightYou just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or caught in your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well, you're tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well

So you stand on the corner
Where the angels sit
And you think to yourself,
"This is it, this is it,
This is all that I have
All I can stand
Is this air in my lungs
And this coin in my hand
That you tossed in the air
And I fell, and I fell
All the way to the bottom
Of the well, of the wellLike those soft little secrets
That you tell, that you tell
To yourself, when you think
No one's listening to, well"


And I thought: YES! Someone else gets it. Someone GETS that FEELING, those FEELINGS, of just feeling like you are crawling the wall (...not REALLY like a cat in heat, though, that's uh, just WEIRD) - that feeling I have ALL THE TIME when the pressure's on - that I've just had ENOUGH, and that all I want is to run away. I don't care where I go. I don't care whether it is 10 miles away, or 1000. I just want AWAY. I don't want to BE HERE. I don't want to DEAL. I just want out from under these responsibilities. I want away. Flight or fight? I ALWAYS choose flight. "Run away, run away, run away" runs through my brain A LOT. And not in that silly Monty Python voice either. In a pretty serious "I have GOT to get AWAY from here" tone of voice which, if it had any money behind it not left at the vet's office, might actually TAKE me someplace far away.
Too bad it is some random weird group with a bad name who "gets it," but for two or three minutes, I identified, and I felt totally vindicated.

Then, we came home, and Miss Savannah made dinner. THE WHOLE DINNER. All by herself. It was DELICIOUS. Stuffed shells with pesto cheese sauce. Garlic bread. Salad. And she set the table for T and I, with a red tablecloth, a rose, and she and her brother ate in the den so that her dad and I could eat a nice, quiet dinner alone. She "researched" wine to find out what went with our meal, though I did turn it down in favor of just water tonight. Sweet, nonetheless. And she made us Baked Apples with Spiced Rum caramel sauce for desert. And then bounced off to a basketball game at school. And just like that, I feel better.
I bought myself a book today that I really, really, really wanted to read. More on that in another post. It went with the movie I saw last night. And I bought myself some bath salts. And now, I'm going to scrub the tub out, then fill it, and take myself AWAY for awhile. I don't even have to go ten miles. Just upstairs.

A Tale of Two Students... and some cat poop to round out the week

Friday was the last day of school for the week, and FOR a week. We, thankfully, have mid-winter break this week. Honestly, it's never come at a more appreciated time. No snow day last week as I had wished for, so other than last Tuesday off to move my dad from the Rehab center to his new "home," the Assisted Living place, I just slogged through the week with my head down and my mouth shut. I was "tested" on several occasions, but was able to bite my tongue. I WILL learn self-discipline if it KILLS me. And I fear it might.
The middle school kids (grades 5-8) had an activity day field trip Friday - Glow Bowling. Much anticipated by most of them, and only a few kids chose to stay home and not participate. Unfortunately, two who were not able to go bowling, and who did NOT stay at home were stuck at school all day. One of them, Z, has had a tough year. I don't know why. His parents don't know why. He has an appointment with a child psychologist in March, but in the meantime, he does no work, is frequently absent, is failing everything, and is a constant disruption in class. It's a good thing I feel concerned about him, because he is, in general, just a royal pain to deal with. I am constantly on eggshells waiting for the next explosion, hoping to get through my 40 minute class with him every day without having an ugly confrontation. He had to stay behind because of the amount of school work he owes. Apparently he came to school, thinking he was going bowling, because when he found out he wasn't, at first he cried. A lot. And when that didn't work, he pulled out the rage. He punched lockers, kicked things, ran down the hall screaming, threw huge, non-stop tantrums. Oh, did I mention that the two who did not go were supposed to stay with me for several periods that day? Yeah, I watched this unfold and thought, "Oh dear God, please, NO!" Well, his behavior landed him in the principal's office, thankfully, so he was NOT mine to babysit for the day.
The other student, N, was not able to go because his parents did not send in a permission slip for him. Not because they didn't want him to go, I'm sure, but simply because they NEVER return anything the kids need signed. Again, it is good that I can be sympathetic, because they are two people who are about the most ill-equipped to be parents that I have run across. They have three kids, and all three suffer learning and emotional disabilities. The kids, N particularly, are not especially likeable kids, but you simply cannot help knowing that much of it is not their fault. So, it really did break my heart that we were not able to contact ANYONE in the family by phone that day to get permission for N to go bowling. But, I also don't blame the school for not wanting to take the legal risk of allowing him to go without permission. So, at the last minute, he was not allowed to go either. Unlike Z, N just cried. It was SO sad. And to top it off, it was his birthday, and he, rather pathetically, with nose running and dripping and tears plopping off the end of his chin, kept telling me that he "wasn't having a very good birthday today." Come on parents. Step up. Be parents if you have given birth. Pay attention. Sign your kids darn field trip forms. It was his birthday, and you couldn't even give him bowling with his class? So, I did keep N in my room all day. I shared my valentines hearts with chocolate in them that two other students had given me, and fed him suckers from my jar, and let him play computer games all day, and let him eat lunch in our room instead of in the cafeteria by himself, and talked to him, and tried, in general, to make it not such a crappy day for him. I don't think we particularly succeeded in being as good as bowling, but all three of the adults in my room tried. Hard.
And then, after school, I had to take one of my cats, Dagda (the mighty hunter kitty boy) to the Vet for a big gaping wound on his neck I discovered two nights ago. Cat bite? Dog bite? Unable to find my cat carrier, I carried him in my arms, and he rode on my lap the 15 miles to the vet. He was calm, purring even, doing well.Halfway there, I started noticing a rather unpleasant smell. It was REALLY repulsive. Gagging me, actually. I wondered if it was the infection in his neck I was smelling. Until he stood up. As he moved to the passenger seat to lay down, I noticed that there was a rather large pile of cat poo now on my pant leg. Nice, Dag. Thanks SO much. So I did what anyone else would do in that situation. I opened the window, and flung the poo out. Then I found a small bottle of mouthwash in the console of my car, and poured some on a napkin to scrub the cat poop out of my pants. When I got the the Vet's and opened the door, I realised there was more on the floor between my seat and the door. I knocked that out, too. And went in. And came out, 20 minutes later, forgetting about the poop on the ground next to my car. And...of course, stepped directly in it. $182.00 was not punishment enough? I had to smell cat poop all the way home.
My week sucked, thank you. How was yours???

Gratitude

It seems that I have forgotten, lately, that despite life's setbacks, I still have much to be grateful for.

The earlier daylight, and the corresponding FEEL the the mornings - just a tiny bit more like spring than winter - and the color of the morning skies have made a positive impact on me when I hook the dogs out to their runs in the mornings. I was grateful that I noticed this morning, and grateful for the way it felt and looked.

Friends who helped me celebrate my birthday at school on Friday, and made it a great day for me with an awesome cake, and some really nice, CHICKENY, gifts. I love how my friends all pay such close attention to my deepest loves, and humor me - a set of beautiful silver measuring spoons with chickens and sunflowers on them, a chicken coffee mug, and my favorite: a shirt that says "Have you hugged your chickens today?" which is really funny, given that I daily DO pick up and hug my chickens!

4 perfect eggs in the coop this afternoon from my 4 perfect chickens. First time since the Aracauna stopped laying in the fall that I've gotten one from her, and first time since last fall that I've gotten one from EACH of them the same day!

That today was a NOTHING day - no early morning sad/angry phonecalls from my dad (though my sister got it at 5:23 am this morning. Thankfully, she forbid my dad from calling me, also, bless her) and no waves made at school today. Today I am thanking GOD for a NOTHING day!

The SLIGHT possibility of a snowstorm coming on Wednesday. Winter storm warnings are posted for tomorrow at 7pm until Wednesday at 7pm. With that comes the hope, hope, hope of a snow day on Wednesday. We have not had one yet this year, and since it is one of the little perks of teaching that I totally look forward to, and love, I'm hopeful that this one might be the one! If we get one, I'm going to sew all day.

The warmth and peace of my house tonight. Husband is out of town at a meeting, two kids off at college, son down in the garage working on cars, as usual, and youngest at a friend's house eating potato soup for dinner. That means I get to eat my favorite dinner without guilt: cereal and toast. I am surrounded by my four furry best friends - three dozing, one chomping on a bone. Couple of cats perched on the back of the couch, and one next to me. I've spent a lot of time putting new books in my queue of my book rental site (www.booksfree.com) from my "wish list" on Amazon, and deciding which ones I want to read next. I love books so much. I am back up to almost a hundred books on my list of "want to reads." I am SO grateful I love books and reading the way I do. Life feels peaceful right now.

PS - Tomorrow we move dad from the Nursing Home Rehab center to his new, and probably permanent "home," an Assisted Living place more central to all 4 of us kids. It does not appear that it will go well, but for now, I'm remaining positive and hopeful! Good thing I posted now - by tomorrow, it might be harder to be as grateful for things, or to remember that there ARE things I should be grateful for! :)

You Can Yell at Your Neighbors, But Don't Swear at Students

I am not really sure if I should blame it on the impulsiveness which goes with my lifelong ADD. Or can I blame it on the horrid perimenopausal rollercoaster of mood swings which seem to be affecting me with alternating bouts of anger and tears, every third or fourth month? Not even just anger, but rage, over injustices which seems SO critical that I deal with right then? Rage that leaves me just shaking because I am SO full of anger I don't know what to do with it? And then, after a day or two, it is just gone, like it never was. Or is there no defense to be made for myself? I am thinking, now, that there isn't. I am thinking, now, that I really just made a mistake, a bad one, and there is nothing that should be blamed but just very poor judgment on my part.
Tuesday afternoon, after school, I drove home from school down a street that is one street over from my normal route, on my way to the post office, before home. I was aware that there were kids on the sidewalk, and that there was a car in front of me. I was particularly aware of WHO the students were, because one of the boys is student I have worked with for five years, with whom I am very close and treat like one of my own. He is also a frequent target for bullies, particularly a group of 6 boys, and I always try to look out for him, stick up for him, listen, care - things that my school does not really seem to do well for him. He was one of the ones on the sidewalk, but I didn't see that any of the other kids were the troublesome ones, so I went on by. Then, the van in front of me pulled over, and my daughter said, "Oh oh, I bet M threw a snowball and hit Ms. M's van..." I decided that I didn't need to be involved in that, so I went on. But at the corner, I had a bad feeling, and turned around, went back, just to check to make SURE everything was ok. I'm glad I went back. Turns out, M, who ALSO has pretty severe, untreated ADHD, was walking backwards across the street toward his house, talking to the kids on the sidewalk,
when he actually ran into Ms. M's van. When I got back there, she was out of the van, sobbing and shaking, and M was fine, but pretty shaken up. Had he walked in front of her, instead of INTO the side of her van, it could have been a completely different story. Thank GOD it was the way it was. So I walked M across the street to his house to make sure one of his parents was there to check him over, walked the teacher over with him and supported her a bit - they were both fine, but VERY shaken. Then, I left.
When I got back to my car, my daughter and her friend were outraged that while I was in the house, two of "those boys," those bullies, had come running down the street and stood outside M's house, pointing, laughing and saying things like, "Ha, it couldn't have happened to a better person! I'm GLAD he got hit. Yeah, too bad he didn't actually get hit by the front of the car, or run over. Yeah, would be cool if she had killed him..." etc, etc. That menopausal rage that had been simmering most of the day over an unrelated issue at school suddenly went into overdrive. I drove up the street and around the corner, and when I pulled up along side the two idiots, I let loose. REALLY let loose. I'll be honest - I dropped the F bomb three times. I believe I called them F'g A'holes, told them to get a F'g life that did NOT involve bullying M, and told them they were just F'g stupid idiots for having nothing better to do than to constantly pick on someone else. I was SOOOOOOOO mad. Even more so because my school does not seem to do much to put an end to this, and one of these two kids is actually new at our school this year, kicked out of his other school for behavior that was apparently unacceptable there. I then drove home, still so enraged I managed to fold about ten baskets of laundry in record time.
It came back to bite me the next day. The mother of the new kid came to school angered by my actions, and wanting the school to take action against me. So, the school is. I met with the principal, who happens to be the one and only administrator I have a total inability to get along with in my nearly 25 years of teaching, and she was "shocked" by my behavior. Initially my response was that I did not know why the SCHOOL was pursuing this, as my actions took place OFF school property and AFTER school time. What I have come to find out, according to NYS Education law, is that because I am a teacher, I am held to a higher standard of behavior which does not take into account the time and place. It is for all time in all places. While I am not, in any way, shape or form, saying that I condone my own behavior - it was childish, impulsive and totally inappropriate - I also am not terribly pleased to know that I am going to be held liable at my job for this. Ultimately, what I THINK will happen, is a "letter of admonition" in my file, which, in the long run, really won't mean anything, but just the way she said "I WILL be pursuing legal action against you" when she met with me over this issue, really kind of bothered me. OK, you don't deal with the bullying, but when I do, albeit in the wrong way, I get punished and you threaten to start a 30-20A on me, which would be, here, the process of firing a tenured teacher. It WON"T happen. She doesn't have a prayer of that. I am an exemplary teacher, with NOTHING in my file for 23 years. My file is clean. I have never even had a less than stellar observation. NOTHING.
What's worse is that when she told me the mom wanted to talk to me, I volunteered my cell phone number, and waited for the mom to call. I figured she would yell, rant, rave, maybe even swear at me, and I figured I would just listen, and let her yell, since if someone had done that to my kid, I guess I would have been upset too (though if I found out it was because my kid was being a bully and making someone else's daily life hell, I probably would have THANKED her for yelling at him. But then, I personally subscribe to the "it takes a village to raise a kid" philosophy, and have always been grateful when people have cared enough to let me know if my kid was doing something he or she should not have been...) Anyway, she didn't call. So I find out yesterday that no, she DIDN"T want my phone number, and no, she didn't even want ME to call HER. She "dealt with it a different way - i.e. she called the State Police on me. Sigh. Now, again, I know nothing will come from that, because, in all honesty, while what I did was undoubtedly using bad judgement, it isn't criminal. I, thankfully, did not threaten them, just unleash my anger on them. And my foul language. But, at least in this state, that's not a criminal act. But, because I am a teacher, I can, apparently, be held to a higher standard than if Joe Schmo had done the same thing, so now my job is in jeopardy, or at least, is just going to be relatively miserable for awhile, until this dies down. I feel like a pariah, like people don't want to look at me, or get too close to me, as if my stupidity might be contagious. I'm probably making that up, and probably people AREN"T avoiding me. It's probably just my guilty conscience speaking up. At any rate, lesson learned this week. It's actually been kind of a wake up call for MANY of us, who had no idea that things we did in our off hours could actually affect our job (I did ask why the teacher who got so intoxicated she was thrown out of our local drinking establishment on several occasions was not being held to this standard, or why the teacher who drops the F bomb in CLASS was not also being punished ,,, but my intent is NOT to blow other people in for things they do to make myself feel better, so I am NOT giving them names - just pointing out the inequity of how this is being applied...)
It's been quite a week. And if I take into account all that has been going on with my dad since his heart attack, and dementia onset, it's been quite a month. I have one more week of school and then a week off. I think I need it.

Alexander, who happens to be me, and the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day!

Yesterday turned into an "Alexander" kind of day. You know, the "horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day" kind of day? I have them every once in awhile, I'm sure everyone does, but thankfully, they are few and far between. And usually they are sort of funny later, but it's too soon. It's not funny yet.
I took half a day off from work to drive to Rochester for my dad's meeting at the Nursing Home/Rehab center. For many reasons, I had to drive my husband's truck. Not normally a big deal. When I left home with it, I noticed the brakes seemed a little "soft," they went almost all the way to the floor when I wanted to stop. My first and only thought at the time was, that I was used to driving my Jeep, which is newer, and therefore, the brakes in it seem harder, firmer, and it was probably just the difference between the two I was noticing. Off I went. I did notice it again once I got into the city, and city traffic, which was more stop and go at exits, stop lights, etc. A couple of times I noticed that while I thought I was stopped, completely, waiting for a green light, and took the opportunity to send a quick text (yeah, yeah, yeah, I KNOW that's bad) I would look up and realize I was creeping forward. Hmmm. Again, no real SERIOUS thought that anything was terribly wrong.
My dad's meeting was not one I was looking forward to. It was a meeting with the Nursing Home Social Worker, the Nurse Director, my sister, my dad and I, to let him know once and for all, officially and formally, that he was not going to be able to go home again, and to decide, or let him decide as best he could, whether he would rather go to the Houghton Nursing Home, or try Assisted Living in his own apartment in Geneseo. It wasn't a good meeting. It wasn't bad, in any of the obvious ways. No one yelled, or screamed, or cried. But it was full of heavy emotional overtones for both my sister and I, and obviously for my father, who has lived in his home for 60+ years. It was sad. But I thought I was fine. Actually, in all honesty, the last few weeks since his heart attack, hospitalization, the revelation of his nighttime dementia, transfer to rehab and decisions that have had to be made, and all the time put in to thinking about the decisions and discussing them with my siblings, and trying to withstand the nightly phone calls from my dad-who-is-not-really-my-dad-at-that-time-of-night when he calls to demand that we take him home, swears at us for not understanding him, tells us he will hitchhike home, asks what the HELL we are thinking (this is a man who has never used bad language in his life - except once, when I was little I remember him saying DAMN to me, and it was my fault because I was being REALLY annoying to my mother, and I was SHOCKED into silence and better behavior! - which was clearly his motivation!) - the past few weeks have been taking a VERY heavy emotional toll which is not necessarily counted on a daily basis. After all, this is life, a part of life, and you just do what you have to do day by day, whether you like it or not. That IS what adults do, right? And really, what good does it do to sit around and whine about it, or cry about it. But, I guess it is only fair to realize that while this IS life, and while none of us like it, it DOES affect you emotionally, underground, whether you realize it or not.
SO...
I leave my dad's meeting, and notice that the brake light is on. Sometimes the emergency brake, which does not work, gets stuck, and you have to wiggle it around. I tried that, with no luck. So, I went on to my next stop, which was a craft store. I have been "allowing" myself a stop at one store and a $20.00 purchase some of the times I have to go to Rochester (an hour and a half trip) so that I have something to "decompress" with, after visiting my dad, which is not really a cheerful sort of trip right now. Last week I bought new yarn, and new crochet hooks. Last night I spent an hour picking out a couple of things for a friend who is also having a rough time right now, and a couple of small craft projects to work on for others, and I found some awesome Rooster placemats for a dollar a piece. So you see, the money I spend is NOT the object, acquiring more "things" is NOT the object. (My goal for this year is actually to rid my house and myself of too many "things" that we currently have; live more simply, you know?) Wandering about a place with lots of things to look at, with time to think about other people in my life, time to think about craft projects which I thoroughly enjoy, is a good way to NOT think about my dad's circumstances any longer, since dwelling on them, on him, occupies enough of my time. It is time I take, I MAKE, for my sanity.
I had some great things selected. I paid for them, finally, after about an hour's time, only to find my credit card was denied. I was FURIOUS and frustrated. It was payday and for that ONE DAY, my bank account was full. Yeah, most of the time I run on empty in it. I have often even gone over. But on payday, before I pay any bills, I KNOW there is money there. To have my credit card (debit card = directly out of my checking account) denied was embarrassing, and there was no reason for it. Thankfully, I did have my checkbook with me, and I wrote a check. I REALLY wanted my rooster placemats bargain, by that point!! (Hmmm, I DID just say it wasn't about acquiring stuff, didn't ? But I DO love a bargain...)
So after writing the check, I go back to the truck. I call my daughter, whose debit card account is linked to mine, and had her check my balance. All was well. No reason for it to be denied. Grrr. Then, while I'm sitting there with the truck running, I give more thought to the red light that is on. I call my husband to ask about it, thinking that perhaps I've forgotten a step in getting it to go off. Nope. "Check the book" he says. HE is on his way home from three days in NYC. I check the book, and basically it said, "If the light is on, and your pedal goes all the way to the floor, DON"T DRIVE IT. There's a problem! A significant and serious one."
OK, so... it's been a cold and snowy and crappy day. And I am now "stranded" in a parking lot an hour and a half from home, with no way to get there. So, I did what any reasonable person would do, after an accumulation of stress - I cried. No, I bawled. I sobbed. I called my sister, I called my husband, my brother called me after my sister called him, my son called me back after my husband called him - the motorhead in our family - to ask him about the light/brakes. All of them said STOP CRYING! CALM DOWN! I guess it WAS a bit of an overreaction. My sister said she would come get me. My husband was just at a point where he could go another 30 miles home, or turn North and go 45 miles and come pick me up. My brother offered to call his friend who has a tow truck. And my 17 year old son begged me to stop crying and think about how much he loved me. And all I could do was feel bad, SO bad, that I was inconveniencing my sister, who interrupted HER decompression drinking a glass or two of wine, drove back to sit with me for ten minutes til my husband got there, and feel so frustrated that instead of just taking charge, and figuring out what to do, I cried. I hate feeling like a helpless female. Sometimes cars and their problems make me feel that way, and I HATE that feeling. I am NOT a helpless female. I am NOT prone to crying, at all, ever, and certainly not over small potatoes like those. But, I wasn't crying for that, and I am smart enough to know that all of the sobbing in that snowy, cold parking lot was really for a lot more than that. It's for all that my dad has lost. It's for all that has changed so suddenly in the past few weeks, it's for all the worry and love and fear and frustrations I have for my dad. But, sometimes it takes something stupid to be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and I guess yesterday, that was it.
I bet some days are like that, "even in Australia."