some days are stone. " John Denver song title from long, long ago that has stayed with me. To be sure, I do have many more days that are of the shiny type, than the dull, sloggy stone type, but if I had to pick, today, it doesn't take much thinking to decide. The weight of the stone in my stomach is proof enough. General blahness and getting critically close to the "I just can't deal with this - and yet, I know life goes on and I will, too." Not stoicism so much as that's just the way I am. I'm not the sit down and weep type, though that IS what I feel like doing. I just don't cry much, because, really, what's the point.
Brought on by the family fiasco that I created, or let happen, over Thanksgiving, exacerbated by the HUGE purchase of 6 new phones and new accounts on Friday, compounded by the stupidity of picking up my ring from the jewelers also on Friday, not knowing how much THAT was going to cost me (when it could have waited until January or February, had I known the price, and I'm too ridiculously insecure to have said "oh - it cost THAT much? No, I don't want it today.") Money issues. Always money issues to make me sick to my stomach. T tells me "I won't have any money to give you out of THIS check now." Really? No kidding. I thought we could all buy new phones, get groceries, pay bills and you'd STILL have a thousand left over to throw my way for Christmas. Yeah, I know. And since I got a new phone, too, an expensive one, I was part of letting that happen. Why didn't we just get them new phones for CHRISTMAS? That was SO stupid and dumb of us. They would have been thrilled. I get so down when I do such dumb things. It just seems I am ALWAYS doing dumb things. When will I ever gain the maturity of the middle aged adult that I actually am? And then, to top things off, K left to go back to college a little while ago. That always sinks my mood. I never get used to having him home and letting him go again. It does get easier, but not a lot. And to make it worse, his van wouldn't start, so he had to take my Jeep, AND all our cash. I just gave him 27.00 last night to go to the movies, and was slightly annoyed at that, because I didn't have it to give to him, not really. Then I gave him the only other money I had, 60.00, for gas to put in the Jeep because it is empty (BECAUSE HE DROVE IT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT), and T had already given him the 50.00 HE had, THEN he asked if he could take the 15.oo that was sitting on the counter that I had planned to use for lunch money for the others this week. Shit. Sure. Why not. Take everything, every last dime I have. And you can, too, because I love you, and wouldn't deny you anything. You know that. I would GIVE you my last dime because you are my son and I love you. But it doesn't do anything for the rock in my stomach today. Well, pay day is Friday, so there is that. But, oh, wait - tomorrow is Monday. Monday is back-to-work day after a full week+ off. Oh yeah, that might have something to do with my less than stellar mood today too. Shit, shit, shit. OK, well, I'll go do something constructive. If I can accomplish something, maybe I can salvage some of this day still, and not go to bed feeling as badly as I do now. Life is just like that sometimes, right? Yep. It is.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Why do families have to be so complicated? Why can't a family just be what you want? What determines if some people get lucky and get a really good family, and others don't? Mine sucks. Well, ok, it doesn't completely suck, but it sure isn't what I want. For starters, I am 45 years old, and I have never really gotten over the family dynamics that have me not only as the youngest child, but as an "only child" - with siblings. The three of them are all 18 months apart, roughly, and then, nearly 10 years later, along I came. So, no matter what interactions we have, that unfortunate dynamic comes into play. They all get a long. They all think I'm the "baby," still. They are all friends. And then, then... there's me. I don't fit into their molds, their ideas, etc any more than they fit into mine.